I know I shouldn’t be. I know it’s not that important, really. But I am so completely drained from all of the “stress” of today. It wasn’t even really that bad. But, since yesterday afternoon, when I discovered that my main website for business was expired, and that there was nothing I could seemingly do about it — I have been slightly stressed.
What happened was, I was trying to update a website for a client who has been patiently waiting over the holidays for me to complete their website. From holidays and family visits, to major refinancing of all of our debts, we have been busy. Crazy busy. Toss in the Buffalo Bills Review to that, and I have been fairly exhausted, physically, on top of that. And with all of that running around, I have not been able to put together a decent string of hours to get to this particular client’s project. That adds stress to my life because of my perfectionist tendencies. (I know, I know… that’s my own fault. But so far, I have not figured out how to change that…) So, with an exisiting stress level I was attempting to relieve a bit, I found a huge load of greater stress tumble down upon my head when their temporary website (hosted on mine) would not load.
Definitely not what I wanted or needed. I spent the rest of the afternoon attempting to ascertain what went wrong, how to fix it, and then once I realized that the person I needed to fix it was not very reachable (in part due to the domain being down, and my email not working) — it just got worse.
Thinking back, I am certain I was not as pleasant as I could be with my family last night. I probably didn’t sleep that well, and I have been stressing out all day until after an hour-long phone conversation with this same client I have mentioned, I just had to get up and leave. I just felt exhausted. Glad for a few victories, and some noticeable progress… but exhausted all the same.
My questions is, how can I let such small stuff so completely exhaust me? I know it doesn’t matter that much, but I guess I still pretend that it does. Some of my own words since yesterday – to myself, or others – have betrayed how much confidence I still put in my own efforts and the semblance of control that I have with my own business endeavors. I was worried about how this would make my business look to my clients, and I was worried about how this failure would make my clients look to their own clients.
These are things that I really have no control over. I might think that I do, but that is all an illusion. Ultimately, I don’t have control over… well… anything. 🙂 Save, perhaps myself. Though that is also debatable.
As I sat down in my big comfortable chair tonight – after work, before heading downstairs – I picked up the Bible, and just wanted to read something great from God. Didn’t have anything in mind, just something great. Here’s the verse that happened to catch my eye as a highlighted, blown-up section on the page in Matthew:
“Your heavenly Father already knows all your needs, and he will give you all you need from day to day if you live for him and make the Kingdom of God your primary concern. So don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today’s trouble is enough for today.” – Matt 6:32-34
It was relaxing, to be sure. Just remembering the perspective of today’s events. I think I needed that little reminder. I am thankful everything seems to be working out. That definitely helps, too. But even if that weren’t true, my heart will be much more at peace, and where it’s supposed to be, if I make God’s kingdom my primary concern. That doesn’t mean all the stuff I used to think it meant. So this verse has a newer, simpler meaning to me. It just means Him. Jesus. Who he is. And who I can be in him.
That’s the sort of thing that can fill up a drained, empty vessel.