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I just remembered I had another story I wanted to share related to my blog this morning titled, Peace.
I realized as I was thinking about where I had placed my trust, that I was not what I thought I was. Now, this is not self-flagellation for past sins. I understand that to the best of my ability I have been letting God lead and trying to understand how to trust him more. And it was a big leap to go from our first real paycheck to NEVER asking for money. Never. When people asked what we charge, I would say, “Nothing. That’s up to you. Whatever you are able, that will be perfect.”
And God provided through that in so many amazing ways. It was not always easy. He certainly never promised it would be. Just, asked me to trust him by not setting up a minimum fee.
And I think I did trust him. But again today I just wondered if I had been misdirecting my trust. My self-sufficient ways are re-surfacing, and I am feeling the burden of it. One thing I noticed was my heightened tension due to an “empty” calendar. See, even though I had no idea what money would come in any given week… I could see the dates on the calendar. And, when we had 3, 4 or 5 events in a week… I “knew” money would be coming in. Yes, I was trusting God to provide it… but I think today I realized that a good bit of my trust was in my full calendar, and not in Him.
I trusted him to provide THROUGH things (my gigs, my work, my whatever) instead of just trusting HIM.
He is helping me know that, and as I see him work every day in my life, I know I will trust him more. I praise him today for the things that make me complain. When I complain, I am still worried about me. When I realize that, I think he is growing me into more of who I was made to be.