Estimated reading time: 3 minute(s)
I’ve been thinking about my Dad recently. My Dad named Tom, not our Dad “who art in heaven.” From my recent post, to watching a home video from 15 years ago while copying it to DVD, to finishing “Bill Cosby, Himself” with Jen last night. I’ve been thinking about Dad.
You know, I have mixed memories of Dad. They’re mostly positive, but as you likely know, in a family you get to see the best… and the worst of people. So, I know my Dad’s weaknesses, and I think I remember as a teenager that they would really anger me. I was quite selfish, self-centered, immature, and obviously inexperienced in life. And, most importantly, I was not a Dad.
See, this whole parenting thing really helps reveal who your parents are. They are you. You are them. Does that make sense? As you watch your kids grow up into who you used to be, you realize that your parents aren’t the big authoritarian, larger-than-life people that we imagined them to be. I mean, I suppose they were for that time. I know that I am that to my kids. But in reality, they were just people like me, trying as best as they could to love their kids, and give them everything they could for life. That’s what I’m trying to do.
As I was editing the video from 1991, I had to freeze a frame with my Dad in it. When I did, I saw more of him than I ever had before. In 1991, my Dad was often my adversary. Not intentionally on his part. I’m sure it was mostly, or completely my own doing. But that is one of my memories of him, the Adversary. He enforced the rules, and I (to this day) don’t like rules. So, I sorta “didn’t like” my Dad. Ultimately, I loved him (as I do today). But at that stage, I was, as we all do I suppose, testing the limits, and he was in my way.
Again, don’t misunderstand. I was in no way a supremely rebellious kid. I mostly was “in line” with what I was supposed to do. But all of us have this inborn distaste for authority other than ourselves. And, I did too.
So as I looked at the freeze frame, I saw a young guy (he would have been 40 then) who looked a bit tired (no doubt from trying to live in the same house as me!) and who looked so much more real than I remember him. I am trying to explain it with words, but I am not sure I can. I do not mean this in a negative way… I mean it only in a positive way. There was some connection with him at that moment. Deeper than a normal conversation or other interaction. It was as though I saw myself. Just a guy, who doesn’t really know a lot of stuff – doesn’t have life all figured out – doing his best to love the kids God gave him. That’s me. That’s my Dad. And in that moment, I felt like I understood that more.
I remembered the times I would shout back at him. I remembered how I would resist what he would tell me to do. And I wondered why he didn’t look more tired. 🙂 I can’t imagine trying to be my (Greg’s) Dad. That’s quite a challenge, and I am thankful that he was up to it. Knowing who I am, I’d imagine I am not the easiest person to raise.
You who are older than me, with children older than ours, have likely already understood this. You understand your parents a lot better as you watch yourself parent the tiny people God adds to your family. And, you can see yourself in them. It’s a fascinating and awesome connection we have as family. Parent to child to parent, etc. And in all of that, we not only learn about ourselves, and our parents, and our children… but we can see the love of our real Father.
It’s pretty cool what you can learn from a freeze frame.