Estimated reading time: 5 minute(s)
Earlier this week I was thinking about being a parent. (A parent, not “apparent”…) I think I was processing some issues we’re working on with the kids. Maybe I still had some lingering thoughts in my head from a conversation we had with our friends last Sunday about the ups and downs of parenting. Whatever it was, I came to the conclusion—and told myself in my head—that, “The goal of parenting is to raise responsible adults, right?”
Is it?
I mean, sure… in a way, that is part of our responsibility. We get to train up our kids in the way they should go, as the Bible says. We help them learn how to think about other people around them, how to respect authority, how to be responsible with their time and their stuff. Even simple stuff like how to brush their teeth, use soap in the bathtub, and put their clothes in the dirty clothes basket.
(We’re still working on that one…)
But right after I thought what I thought above, I had an almost instant second thought, that seemed directly opposed to my first thought. It might not be, but it seemed like it when I thought it.
“Maybe it’s not. Maybe we’re just supposed to love them.”
The thought encompassed more than those words can. So much so that I literally was overwhelmed with emotion, right then and there. I began to think at that moment that all of the stuff I work so hard to train my children to is only secondary. Yes, maybe even the part about loving other people, and considering them even more than themselves. That is certainly important, as is all the stuff I mentioned above, but for a moment I realized that “the greatest of these is love.”
The Bible says that we love because he first loved us. I think that truth carries over to our kids, too. We have the capacity to love God, and love other people once we know and experience the love of our Father. Our kids are much the same. They know and experience our love—they know that they are loved—and so they can do the things we teach them to do, because they are loved. Otherwise, it’s not in their hearts. It’s just temporary adherence to rules.
See, I have a very, very special role in my kids’ lives. There are billions of people in this world. They are going to meet many of them. They are going to interact with many of them. They are going to have close relationships with a few of them. They will perhaps marry one of them. But I am their only dad. Ever. There is no one else who ever can be. That was decided when they were conceived.
Does that mean anything? Sort of. Sort of not. What you choose to do after that moment certainly has more impact on them. But this was my point. They will learn lots of things about life from lots of people. I’m glad I am able to get them started on that in a lot of ways. Happy to pass on what I have learned in my short three plus decades. But maybe the best thing I can pass on to my kids is the thing I am uniquely qualified to give them: my love.
Yes, I hope there are many people who love my kids. Completely, and unconditionally. But I am the only one who can offer them my love. I am Dad. They can either feel safe with Dad, and loved by Dad, and secure in who they are with Dad… or not. I think a lot of that is up to me, and maybe what I see as my priorities as a dad. I just said the other day that the one thing I want my kids to learn from me is to think about other people. That’s it. I just want them to be different than most people, by just noticing and thinking about others around them.
But I think my job is simpler. Yet, maybe harder.
Perhaps the best things I can give my kids just start with me loving them. Yes, discipline is loving. I understand that. But it becomes meaningless, and so many parents lose the hearts of their kids (in part) because their priority is the life training, rather than the full acceptance and complete and unconditional loving of our kids. I don’t know that this is true, but I thought all of this in response to my own statement, “The goal of parenting is to raise responsible adults, right?”
Anyone can and will train our kids in the fundamentals of being a responsible adult. But no one else can be their Mom, or their Dad. I want my kids to know without a doubt that they can count on me—and my love—for anything, any time they need it. Resource-wise, I might not be able to, but me-wise… I can do that.
I am an emotional mess anytime there is a parent-child moment like that in a movie, or tv show, or book, or even between people I know. When I see, for example, a son realize how his dad would do absolutely anything for him to demonstrate his unconditional love, I feel the emotions welling up inside me. When the Dad gets a chance to show even just a little bit of how much he loves his kids… gets me every time. That’s what I want. I understand the emotions of those moments, because in real life, the best thing for me isn’t when I see my kids showing that they love me (although those are nice), it’s even way cooler when I see that my kids know they are loved, and they can actively trust my love.
I’m certain there is a balance in all of this, but that’s what priorities are, eh?
Maybe my #2 priority is to raise responsible adults, but my #1 priority—and that’s by a lot—is that my kids know without a doubt that Dad loves them, and always, always will. Period.