Estimated reading time: 5 minute(s)
Lately due to many different factors, our children have been both extra tired, and definitely extra tiresome. They have been frustrating both Jen and me in various (mostly little) ways. Silly, childish things… but whether they are “just kids” or not, they are still frustrating. And after a build up of lots of small things… they can seem very large, and overwhelming.
Last night after the kids went to bed, when the house was quiet and I was cleaning up from the day, I was thinking of them. Of the kids who had just so frustrated me with their attitudes, their selfishness, their carelessness, their clumsiness. And I didn’t think of any of that. I thought of how much I love each one of them. I thought of how they make me smile. I thought of how sad I was that I ever get harsh with them. (Yes, out of my parental frustration, I have been known to be stern, harsh, strict… whatever you want to call it.)
Kids are great, and they (mostly) only remember the good stuff, too. When morning comes, no one remembers the hardness of the last moments of the day. It’s just another chance at another day of life together. And that’s great!
But what I was wondering in the quiet was, How do I bring in the grace?
See, one big example from recent times involves my oldest son Ian. “Your oldest???” you ask? Yes, even though we have a one year old, a three year old, and a super-energetic five year old… this story of frustration involves our soon-to-be nine year old! Ian has a track record of spilling things. He has trouble focusing sometimes, and just forgets where his appendages are or where other objects are in relation to his body. It happens a LOT. So, when Ian spilled the vase with the 10th anniversary roses (and plenty of 10th anniversary water in it), and it got all over a bunch of toys that were underneath where they were sitting… I was really angry.
I was angry because we’ve been over this. We’ve told Ian to watch where he is going, what he is doing. We’ve cleaned up too many spills to remember. And, I was extra frustrated because of the timing. This particular time I was feeling very time crunched, and didn’t have room to add ANYTHING else – like a major clean up in aisle seven.
I did not mince words. I was not really “mean”… but I wasn’t nice. I scolded Ian for his carelessness. Then I got mad at his self-pity for feeling like I was telling him he’s “clumsy”. What a crazy cycle! We made it out of that alright, and the rest of the night went OK.
The next day, I found a wet spot on the carpet. It was under the roses – which were WAY up on a tall surface. “Nooo… he couldn’t have…” I thought. I was wrong. When I found Ian, he got the guilty look on his face, and confessed to having once again knocked the flowers over, and he told me he did try to clean it up. I was angry again – mostly incredulous. (If you could see where these flowers were, you’d be right with me on that…) I did not as much scold him this time, mostly just took the opportunity to let him know how unlikely it was that he could actually spill the flower vase from there. And I told him to just let me know when it happens, not let me find out for myself.
But he probably won’t. Because I don’t know how to show him grace. At least not in that area. I mean, we’re past the grace, right? I’ve given him lots of grace… now he needs to learn how to actually be responsible. To change his ways. To NOT spill stuff all the time, making lots more work for Dad, and ruining our stuff. He has to learn that doesn’t he? I have a right to be frustrated… right???
While I certainly can’t dismiss my feelings in these moments – the frustration seems quite understandable – it is almost silly when I pretend those questions above are valid. If I really get grace, then I know that they are not. Grace does not have an expiration date. Grace lasts forever. No matter how many times Ian is clumsy, no matter how many times it’s his fault, no matter how much of our stuff he ruins… I still love him, and his heart – and our relationship – is more important than my stuff, or his being able to not spill stuff.
It may seem like a silly example, but for whatever reason it has been extremely hard for me to extend grace to Ian – whom I love – in that area. I am asking God to show me how and when I can change that, so that Ian can know that he can fail and that won’t affect our relationship. It doesn’t… but I don’t think that I let him know that very well.
So do you have any examples? Any thoughts? How do you parent with grace, and yet sustain the boundaries and guidelines and moral and other instruction that children need? I know that context is supreme, but I’d love to hear your success stories.
Until then, I will continue to look for examples to extend grace to my kids, and in so doing, probably learn a lot about grace extended to me.
Wow, the age old question. I still struggle with that. Seems to me that Kris went thru a stage of constantly spilling things as well. He always used to say “I didn’t meant it”. We then had to explain to him that we knew that he did not mean it but that did not mean that he should not be aware that he has an issue with spilling things all of the time. That was something that he needed to be aware of and work on a bit to promote responsibilty and respect for the things that God has entrustd us with. I have to admit that it was thru gritted teeth that I would say things like, “That’s ok Kris, please help me clean it up.” After a time it was no longer thru gritted teeth, and was then with a small, reassuring smile that I said those words. Then the spilling stopped, I guess he just grew out of it, but in the meantime God slowly taught me how to extend Kris the grace that he needed. For that problem anyway. For me it was one of those “Fake it till you make it things”. Sure Kris could tell that I was frustrated, but he could also tell that I was trying not to be. And I would tell him that I was sorry for my frustration and that I loved him. I was telling him that it was allright and that it would pass, and eventually we both beleived it together. I do think that Kristopher and I have grown a ton together in instances like that. Those “fake it until you make it” times when you allow God to teach you and let you child watch it. I think those are blessings for them to hold in their hearts. The times you let him watch God work in you and therefor extend to him will be precious things for Ian.