Expectations

Estimated reading time: 4 minute(s)

That word – “expectations” – certainly has some baggage, doesn’t it? I mean, even as I typed it for the title of this post, I thought, “That’s not exactly what I’m trying to say…” But I think it is. I do believe there can be good expectations. (And I fully acknowledge that, relationally speaking, there are the bad sort of “expectations”.)

But I was reminded again last night that sometimes it’s good to “expect” more.

The four oldest kids joined me at a birthday party where we were to have dinner. I’ll admit, it was a bit of a challenge to keep everyone in the same place when we first got there, amongst the many other strangers (we only knew the hosts, and had briefly met one or two others). But, the kids were great, and we eventually got some food and found a table to sit down and eat.

I got everyone set up eating their food, then went to go get drinks. They stayed there – they did awesome! – and just enjoyed their food, and I think Ian was chatting with the other people at the table.

After we had been eating for a while, the mom who was at the table said to our kids, “Why are you guys so good???” and then without pausing, said to me, “How do you get the baby to stay there???” Actually, when she said baby, I thought of Emma… but she wasn’t there, so that confused me. Then I realized she meant Julia, our two year old. We’ve actually been working on moving past a few “baby” things with Julia (mostly of her own desire) so I responded (with Julia) saying, “Julia, are you a baby? Or a big girl?” She cheerfully replied, “Big girl!”

What the mom was noticing was that our four kids (with only one parent at that moment) were sitting, happily eating and chatting, while her husband was chasing their two year old boy all over the place. A little more conversation with this mother revealed exactly why there was such a difference between our kids.

She didn’t expect anything from them.

Just to clarify, I completely understand that expectations can be laden with guilt and obligation and other unhealthy relational things. But also, I think a lot of parents are frustrated because their expectations of what their kids are capable of are far too low.

Kids are actually quite smart. 🙂

Many people comment to me on the way that I speak to children. To ours, and to others. Apparently, I speak to them “like adults”. I’m not exactly sure what they mean, but Jen has echoed those same sentiments (when spoken by others). Basically, I think most people talk “down” to kids. But I do not. I can see that they understand a lot more that we give them credit for, and I know they are quite able to choose (many things, at least) and so I give them the opportunity to choose “the right thing” and/or to exhibit some self control.

From that mindset, and with greater “expectations” from the start… our kids are (from my observation, and that of many others) a bit more “well behaved”. Not all the time, certainly. They are still just kids, and though they are capable of self-control… do not have life experience enough to be great at exercising it. 😉

That just comes with practice.

And, expectations of greatness accompanied by encouragement toward those higher expectations.

Failure will happen, and certainly “unmet expectations”. But with encouragement along the way, and not only believing in the “best” from our kids, but helping them believe it as well, I think our kids will go far, with confidence gained by encouraging, supportive parents who root on their kids to the greatness they are capable of!

[Note: I had a discussion re: parenting ideas with a friend recently, and there was some misunderstanding as to the intention of the thoughts I shared. Parenting is near and dear to our hearts, and so, uninvited “advice” can come across as condescending. Such is never my intention, nor is it the intention of this post. Just sharing some observations. If you find them helpful, please incorporate them into your parenting philosophy. If not, please happily ignore.] 🙂