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I recently heard of two different friends with whom we have lost touch who have since gotten divorced. Friends whom we met as a couple, inseparable, forever. But through whatever circumstances (we have not gotten to talk with them yet) they chose to leave the union that they and God had created.
Now, we all make mistakes, but somehow this one just kills me. I would rather they had killed each other, or somebody else. You probably think I am nuts, but somehow divorce is that painful and ugly and nasty to me. I do understand that we live in a world full of sin and bad choices, and that some marriages were the result of a poor choice in the first place. I think in most cases, even those marriages can flourish. But I have a close relative who left a marriage that was abusive in many ways and that was probably the right move. She is happily married today to a great guy and they have a brand new baby. God has blessed what was so horribly bad.
Now, get this straight, please. I do not think God “blesses” our poor choices. He does not say, “Ooooo, that was a doozy! I better break out the Bigger Blessing bag for that one!” It’s not like the uglier it gets, the more he will “bless us”. As I mentioned yesterday, LIFE with God is a blessing. It’s more that he loves us so completely, and as we learn to live in his love and grow in his love, we will see blessings not as a result of our good (or bad) performance, but just because he loves us. And that would apply to marriages that end in divorce.
We know some other folks who are going through the divorce process currently, and it seems to be hopeless. One spouse wants no part of reconciliation and the other wants no part of divorce, but at times it seems, what can you do? God did give us all free will, the ability to choose, no matter how ugly or rotten the choice.
People… please listen to me. When you say, “I do” you are committing yourself to that other person for the rest of your life. They are broken by sin, just like you. Often they are broken and flawed in other ways where you happen to be strong. So, you can look at that and say, “How can you be so stupid!” and use your words to cut them down and slightly elevate yourself (though your spouse will certainly be happy to point out your weak spots, if that is the tactic you choose…) OR, you can use your strengths to complement their weakness. How great is it that not only do we get to do life together every step with God, but we get to do almost the same thing with a fellow human traveler? One who is weak like us, but often strong where we ourselves are weak! Marriage is truly a blessing.
Please don’t give up on it so easily. If you are even contemplating divorce, STOP! Please ask God to work in your heart to allow you to see how your hardships can help shape you, or perhaps the root of the troubles that would cause you to abandon your very self (“the two shall become one”). Ask him to give you the strength to love as he does, willing to give up even his own life so that we could live together with him. That is God’s call to husbands, to lay down their own lives, as Jesus did, for their wives and wives in return offer their lives to their husbands as Jesus does for the church. Granted, this works best when both spouses are willingly submitting themselves to each other, giving their lives for their spouse… but it does work. If that were to happen, divorce would not even be a thought, let alone such a prevalent option.
I am holding it together, but people please understand. Divorce (even among people I don’t know) makes me cry. It hurts me so bad. It’s somehow something that God has allowed me to see the ugliness of. I am not sure why, but it makes me want to work on our book more. We are working on a book on relationships currently titled, “One Man, One Woman”. God says he hates divorce. I talked about how children are a great picture of the inseparability of marriage, and obviously, on the other hand then, divorce is like ripping that child in two pieces. It’s just not right.
If you are getting divorced, please reconsider. If you are having troubles in your marriage, and have contemplated divorce, please ask God to remove that thought from your head and show you how you can help your relationship be healthy again. If you mention divorce in arguments with your spouse, please ask them to forgive you and ask God to help you eliminate such talk that only hurts and tears down. If you are divorced, perhaps it’s not too late to reunite with your spouse and forgive and move on (though incredibly hard, I am sure) in a new life of commitment to each other.
Live in the freedom of commitment. That is the freedom we have in God. We do not have to wonder if he might get so frustrated with us, or angry, or even just grow weary of loving us that he would “divorce” us. That is not possible. His love is permanent. He loved us before we existed and he promises to love us, and be with us, forever. That kind of love produces true freedom, and to the best of my ability, that’s what I want to engender in my wife. I want her to be completely free to be her, and to know she is loved completely, no matter how she performs. There is no danger that our relationship will end because I choose to leave it. Divorce is not an option.
There’s probably a whole bunch more here, and I am sorry if you think I have trivialized your trials by touching so quickly on an enormous area of hurt in your life. That was not my intention. I just had to get some of my own thoughts out there on how hurtful divorce is. It’s never the best option. Sometimes, unfortunately it might be necessary, but I am willing to bet that’s far less often than most people think.
So, for what it’s worth, I leave you with the words I mentioned above, that will shape our marriage and our family, perhaps for generations to come?
Divorce is not an option.