Aloof

Estimated reading time: 10 minute(s)

We had some friends over tonight. It was a blast! They are really fun people, and we all enjoy being together. We are all currently going through a parenting video course together, but we have connected at various points of life before this. We are not doing the course in the month of July for various reasons, so we planned a few get togethers to just keep in touch, and, because we love to be together 🙂

So tonight, after some fun group activities like kickball (you should have seen the play I made at first to get one of the opposing moms out!) and a few hilarious relay races (it’s pretty funny to see a couple grown men competitively running a 40-yard dash balancing an egg in a spoon as they run!) we just sat at our dining room table, continuing an enjoyable evening together.

At this point, one from our group noticed that this month Jen & I celebrate our engagement of 8 years. It’s kind of an involved story of what date and how that all happened, and that’s where the evening got interesting. As I was explaining how we never dated, and how God had brought us together through some very interesting circumstances, and how He had worked all of this stuff for our good, I was completely blindsided by the words of a very forthcoming and sometimes fairly blunt friend.

(Friend, if you are reading this I mean that in the nicest way. 🙂 I think God uses that to give people pause and to allow them to think of things in a manner they probably would not have chosen. Like… me! 🙂 So… thanks!)

Now, when the words were first uttered, I was astonished that someone would label me that way. I think I am quite the opposite. I love to just be real, and honest, and open… I want to relate to people where they are, to love people by listening and connecting and just being available and in no way judgmental or condemning. I think Jesus has worked all of that into my heart by my being the recipient of those very things in my own life. Not that I am perfect in those things – far from it – but I can definitely see him working those in me. So, I was just stunned… and all at once, curious. 🙂

I told some more of our story, and then probed a bit to see what she really intended to say. I couldn’t really believe she meant “aloof”. And, after a quick check of the dictionary, she completely recanted and said that was not at all the word she was thinking of. She asked everyone to just erase that from memory… not at all what was intended.

But I could not. I am still puzzled by not just that one word, but her description of what she sees in me (mind you, we have not shared all that much life together, and so another part of me is amazed that she has formed such an opinion of me, especially how she further describes me below.) She described what she called “aloof” as being so detached – “in a good way” – that everything is always alright. No matter what comes my way, I am OK with it. No matter what people might say about me, I am not bothered by it. I forget the exact words, but I think she said I am different from anyone else on this planet. 🙂 (Which, literally is true… not just for me, but for everyone. But… that’s beside the point.) And part of my “aloofness” gives an impression of arrogance (which, she said is not really arrogance, but… sort of.)

Even crazier than this is the person who DOES know me the best, and who loves me the most, confirmed some of what this friend was saying tonight!

OK, so… THAT makes me think I need to look into these things. 🙂

And I have. 🙂 It’s 3:00am and I have been spending the past 3 hours listening to tapes of good talks on understanding the reality of God’s kingdom in my life internally and around me. The title of the first talk I chose to listen to is, “A Soft Place To Land”. A soft place to land refers to the gentleness and kindness and understanding that emanated from Jesus that just drew people to him. They knew they could share anything and everything with this man, because they were completely accepted, not condemned or judged, and even better, they were understood. The speaker told stories from his own life of how that was not the case for him. In fact, a group of friends in his life told him one night that before he went through some incredibly tough circumstances in his life, he was the arrogant answer man, and therefore unapproachable. He was, perhaps… aloof.

As I pondered his words, and those spoken by my friend and the subtle confirmations of my wife, I definitely questioned whether I am a soft place to land. I so long to be that I can’t even think of the word to describe that desire. I only want to be the things I described above. I have a song called Because that perfectly speaks the heart of who I want to be.

I live because he lives
I love because he loves
I forgive because he forgave me.
I am because He is and I will be forever more
Livin’ everyday because of grace

I will always remember how you treated me
Forgiving everything I owed you, even though I was guilty
How could I ever think to hold a grudge?
I have no choice but love like I’ve been loved
I have no choice but love like I’ve been loved.

Everything that comes from me is a direct result of what he has done in me. I do what I do because I have received that from him. Even more so, I trust him because of his incredible track record of never once failing. Never has he failed to love me, to provide for me, to demonstrate in some way to me that I am completely loved. I don’t always feel it in the moment, but I have seen it enough, and experienced it enough to know that it is true, and real, and forever.

That is what I want people to know. When the speaker I was listening to tonight learned from his friends that he had not been a “soft place to land” until he went through some nasty trials of his own, I just wondered if people see me that way? Do I really offer God’s grace to people, and the incredible work he has done in me, or do I offer them what a life can look like if you try really hard, and hone the skills and talents to be good that God has placed in you at birth? Do I help people see the on-going work of growing everyday because of grace or do I show off a special in-born ability to choose the right, therefore somehow elevating myself to some level of unapproachability simply due to my public track record of holiness?

Ouch. I sure hope that I am not so confident in what God has done in me that I have forgotten to reveal the source of all of the goodness in my life. And not just here, with my words, but by every fiber of my being and every action that I choose or every reaction that reveals the contents of my changed-by-Jesus heart.

Another thought I had tonight was that perhaps I have become and answer man, as the speaker alluded to. His friends said no one whose lives were broken every approached him because he always had an answer. Everything fit together perfectly in his world. So, only those whose lives were going alright at the moment felt comfortable being around him. But after God softened his heart and revealed to him a deeper understanding of the love that the Father has for him, people were able to approach him more. Not because of the circumstances directly, but because he was a different person. He was approachable and didn’t have all the answers. He wasn’t trying to fix people.

Sometimes I do that. I think Jen can attest to that! 🙂 We have been married now almost 8 years and in that time, there have been at least a few times when I have in some way communicated that to Jen. I love her completely, and only want her to know that. But at times, I see something that I know is right, and I let her know it. Even if she disagrees. And let me tell you, that hasn’t worked yet. 🙂 Eventually, with many more words, and obviously more than words. When she understands from me that there is no arrogant, condescending judgment, but only a “broken reed he did not crush” kind of gentleness will she even hear anything I am saying.

And this is Jen we’re talking about. She has plenty of chance to know that I love her. She knows me the best and spends the most time with me. And SHE feels like I am sometimes a bit arrogant… how must others perceive me?

Even though the word has been rescinded, the overall effect has remained, and I think in a good way has challenged me to think about how I treat other people. I do not need to “try harder” to “do the right thing”. Perhaps, almost the opposite. Perhaps people do not know me as approachable? Perhaps I really am not a soft place to land? Though that is my heart’s deepest desire, besides knowing Jesus more each day, I only want to reflect his passionate love for me, his mercy and grace, and his gentleness and understanding. As he has been for me, so I want to be for others.

But again, I focus on doing. Even in my best intentions, I still want to do something for God or others. I think perhaps this is what God is working in my heart. A lot of things come back to that. Lately I have been trying to figure out what God wants me to do in my life. Not a career move, that’s not what I’m talking about. Just how he wants me to live out my daily life with him. I am learning to trust him in all things, physical and spiritual. I am learning to relate to him more personally and in every day kind of ways. I am really learning to not always have the right answer – to let people know him and follow him in their own ways, as he leads them. That’s a hard one. And perhaps is the “aloofness” that my friend was referring to.

OK, this is a long post about a word that was mistakenly spoken. But, the more I thought about it, perhaps there is something there. I look forward to God revealing more about that to me, and more opportunity to know and trust him through that. I love that he is so gentle. I love that even in my worst failings, and greatest weaknesses, he does not point fingers and let me know how I should have done better. Rather, in deep love and even humility (this from the King of all creation!) he gently nudges me toward a life lived out in the fullness of his love, and in the righteousness he has given me. Not in anything I have accomplished or have mastered in my own strength. I trust his goodness, and his proven love for me. He is my hope, my life. I want to know him.

If you have perceived me as aloof or arrogant, I do sincerely apologize. I ask your forgiveness as I continue to grow on this journey of learning to accept and live in the complete love of a perfect Father. How I long to be perfect as he is, but he is teaching me that I can not, and he does not expect that, he wants to draw me into his love, and through that effect change in my life from inside a trusting heart outward to a gentle, humble love expressed to every soul he brings into my life.

I long for that, and look forward to how he grows that in me even tomorrow.

May you know today the fullness of his love for you, and live in that love completely, wherever he may have you.